Does the matriarchal nature of African American family life foster the notion that "we love our sons but raise our daughters?"
Submit Date: 13 JUN 1999 Name: ADILAH Email: Response:
IT DOES TAKE A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD. HOWEVER,WE NEED TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT THE NATURE OF THE VILLAGE ITSELF. FOR INSTANCE, THE AMERICAN VILLAGE HAS CHANGED DRASTICALLY FROM WHAT IT USED TO BE. IN THE OLD DAYS, THE VILLAGE CONSISTED OF FAMILY MEMBERS, NEIGHBORS, AND PROFESSIONALS WORKING TOGETHER TO RAISE CHILDREN TO BECOME RESPECTFUL CITIZENS. PEOPLE HAD FAITH IN GOD. PEOPLE'S SURVIVAL DEPENDED ON THE EXTENT TO WHICH THEY WORKED TOGETHER. NOWADAYS, WE LIVE IN A VILLAGE FILLED WITH MAD PEOPLE, LIARS, NARCISSISTIC, NON-GOD FEARING, MONEY-HUNGRY INDIVIDUALS. WHAT THAT MEANS IS THAT A BLACK MOTHER OR/AND FATHER COULD TRY THEIR BEST TO RAISE A DECENT CHILD, BUT THERE IS NO GUARANTEE AS TO WHAT WILL BECOME OF THAT CHILD, DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE VILLAGE IS ROTTEN TO THE CORE (MORALLY SPEAKING). HENCE, IT IS NOT JUST A BLACK/ASIAN/HISPANIC PROBLEM, IT IS A SOCIETAL PROBLEM. IN OTHER WORDS, THE PROBLEMS OF THE BLACK FAMILIES ARE REFLECTIONS OF THE LARGER AMERICAN VILLAGE. OR, THE PROBLEMS OF THE MAINSTREAM MANIFEST THEMSELVES IN THE BLACK FAMILIES. THE TRUE SOLUTIONS TO THESE PROBLEMS LIE IN CHANGING THE VERY CORE OF THE VILLAGE ITSELF: SOMETHING THAT APPEARS TO BE IMPOSSIBLE, SINCE SO MANY OF US HAVE GOTTEN ADDICTED TO THE TRAPPINGS (FANCY CARS, LOT OF MONEY, FANCY CLOTHES)OF THE ROTTEN SOCIETY. THE BLACK FAMILY, UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, DO WHAT THEY CAN; SOMETIMES, THEY SUCCEED, AT OTHER TIMES THEY FAIL. PEOPLE LOOKING FROM THE OUTSIDE IN CAN CRITICIZE HOWEVER MUCH THEY CHOOSE TO, BUT THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION IS THAT THE SOLUTION CAN BE FOUND IN ANALYZING THE CORE OF THE VILLAGE ITSELF AND PUTTING IT TOGETHER AGAIN IN TERMS OF A DIFFERENT SET OF IDEOLOGIES--A SET THAT PLACES HUMAN BEINGS ABOVE CARS, MONEY, ETC.
Submit Date: 13 FEB 1999 Name: Night Shift Email: "102541,3413 Response:
I do agree that black families have trouble raising young black males boys one mother is not giong to make it. I know for sure because I was a foster child grew up not knowing who I was My mother left in the hospital I know Iam 31, years old and think life is better If leaving it mystery after turning near 20 I went to search to find her and I did I her and found her along w/ other,s sibling's nephews and nieces but our awarness was great, a good conection but after a few,s years' latter she only took advange of my love and over power my own thoughts, like a only a boys mother could all she every say become a real man because that what real men do she did.n't want me to my own boss ,! my self she wanted be my boss and Sister where very Indepent my youngest sister went in army right after high school. I of coures was jealousy becaues I fail to mention we took the test on the same day together next one have gotten married and move to nice apt w/family me now hovering around mom and she asking questions who next girl frieind ? why so you can muddle in our lives and dip your spoon in our bed pudding and leaving it ruin, that,s what it,s like because you know it brothers don,t try to do the right thing ! take a hint the next intel girl call you a mother boy It help to think that is not a compment but I think that,s how my Mother think about male's should sleep and eat I think that,s exactley what she thought that,s why they get through life that he can,t get enought out of life well that male should get through life never the less you should be happy looking forward as spending the next enitity shamfully happy . leaveing well enought a lone and taking a little time to reflect on your search to a new life .and love will all ways be around but let it grow from inside because it has room much more thank you for this time afro I have not wriiten to 3, Years but I promise to do more and often but I will all love her but she will have take my love in very small dosages so she doen,t get love sick.
Name: Toni Gillis Email: tgillis@cghp.org Response:
After having read several statements about'MatriarchalNature of Afro-American Families', I cannot
believethat people are so divided on this issue. I have and always will believe that the only direction
anyone canfind is from the Bible/Older People/Examples (and alwaysin that order). The bible plainly
pinpoints the responsibilityof child rearing is that of the FATHER! An older woman (80's)once
said,"women are good at raising women, and men atraising men; because you know what to look for". That is a very simple truth. Our examples are those of society.Just look at the quality/product of MEN that
are enteringsociety, due to single, usually mother, parent homes. No matter how hard a woman tries, she
can only do things according to what women do. And raising a man is not whata woman is ever taught to
do. Boys need men as examples, anduntil men and women admit this simplistic truth and fight tostick it
out for the sake of the children ( in anon-abusive, put-in-the-time relationship) we will have male
products, orso-called MEN, out there that have been caudled too much, comforted beyond good, and more
effeminate than masculine. I am a product of a two-parent home. At the point of pubertymy mother
concentrated on the girls and my father the boys. Onlyafter thirty-five years of child rearing and ten
children later,did both of my parents remark 'I see why God made the provisionof two parents for child
rearing, because it takes two and children need the role of both parents to be balanced adults'. I say
hats offto all single-parent homes, because it is a tremendous responsibility.However, let's not kid
ourselves, women will love their sons and raisetheir daughters because they knowingly identify with
daughters and knowthe unsurety of rearing sons - so they simply love them knowing theirroad ahead (like
all black men) is very hard - with the added loadof being raised by a woman. I try to have an open mind
on this issuebut even with a loving mother, I noticed the differences made in favorof her sons. It only
balanced because of the differences my father madein favor of his daughters. Only after my father's
death did we girlsrealize how unfair my mother was in her distinctions. But she cannotsee what we are
talking about, because to her -and in all fairness-NOTHING HAS CHANGED! It has been this way since the
dawn of time. Evenin the bible you see that women appreciate their sons and learn to viewthem as future
security. Though, things have balanced between the sexessomewhat - women can own property, vote, work
at equal pay, etc. stillthat mentality is somewhat prevalent, even among bread winning women. So,in
this aspect though things change, they always remain the same.
Name: Cristopher Wallace Email: BadBoy@aol.com Response:
To voice a response to generalizing someones life as a mama's boy or daddies little girl.How can you say that a parent is slacking in discipline when they are the one's training up there son or daughter to do whatever is in ther heart to do in life. The person that states that a mother "dotes" on her child or his (single fathers), is an excuse. I believe that it takes a village to raise a child or make a man. A person who would say that another person is weak is nothing more then a hypocrite, because everyone has there own perspective, and if you do not believe me, then look at the number of interpetations of the Bible and Koran, or any religious text. The Black family in the nineties is one that is going through dynamic change, as parents who are married are usually both working, while managing to monitor and raise childrean. More and more outside values are being remphasized through diffrent mediums, as rap video's, gangsta movies, culture and lack of history of self and family are ignored and not discussed. These are the things wrong with BLACK FAMILY, not a "doting" mother or father. I would be more then happy for a child to have too much affection then a lack of, which is generally the case today. The issue of whether a child is performing to expectation is also in hands of the family and should not be judged by anyone else, because then they too are hypocrites. Please show me or tell me one , family , Black, white, asian,etc.... who does not have problems. Whether it is matriarchal or patriarichal, goals and history is something that needs to be instilled in black family culture, and the burden of crucifing our young adults is something that needs to be stopped. It is bad enough that our childrean get pulled over more, late night police curfews and are automatically subject to illegal searches and zero tolerence laws.. You do not hear the same problems in all communities, so please listen to what some of these so called "lazy" , "mamma's boy's " got to say.
Name: Mr. Jones Email: mrjtjones@hotmail.com Response:
Can we make a distinction between a matriarchal family structure
which comes into existance out of necessity and a matriarch led
family system that is chosen or preferred? I've worked with single
mothers and fathers for five years and can honestly say that I don't
know very many single mothers who would choose to raise their sons or
daughters alone. Many of the single mothers and fathers I know, if they
had a choice would prefer the support and love of a spouse and would also
prefer or choose to share the responsibilities of family leadership and
development. There are many who feel that the imposed necessity of a
single parent (read mother) household lets them off the hook as men and
fathers. It doesn't. Neither should it move single mother's to resist
genuine and responsible efforts by men to be better fathers and play a
role in their children's lives. I have the greatest respect for courage
of the single parents who come in and out of my office, but I have
yet to meet one who would refuse their child the presence and love of a
responsible, loving and strong partner. Many times emotions blind both
parties to what is best for the children and from what I've seen, there
isn't a child in a single parent household, who would not have a greater
chance of success with the presence of a father.
Name: Kenneth Leonard Email: k8wra@juno.com Response:
I disagree that the Black family has a "matriarchal nature." The U.S. census and most other records indicate that most black children are raised in two-parent families. It is unfortunate that there are so many single parent Black families, but many of them are well-run, well-structured families. Many of the thousands of single parent family heads do a good job of raising their children. Unfortunately, the media, the studies, and other persons with special interests, prefer to highlight the failures of this group. Let's all try to help those single parents who are really trying to do the right thing by lending a hand or some support if it is needed and wanted.
Name: NIGHT SHIFT Email: Response:
A short time ago I read in a magazine A WOMEN w/ Afro decent live to be 120.years old she went through our history pages.And she should go through our hearts,minds,dreams,and hopes of what we can accomplish in our lives our. and for children. please read life her story.and let,s show we do care about our aging there so munch to be taught and for some it might be to to late . Last summer I had opportunity interview a gentle,s 109 years old it was wonderful. to learn about Issue, Just to sit and talk. I encourage you to just do somrthing for the elder,s
Name: Bob Banks Email:bbanks@vonl.com Response:
I am a principal at a predominately black high school in Houston Texas. What I witness everyday are black parents usually single attempting to shelter, feed and cloth their children. At the same time hold a full time employment opportunity.
Now the question of rearing versus loving, in my oppinion it is not gender specific. As a people we need to get back to the basic of child rearing, you know two parents, a job, and Jesus.
We can not sit back and continue to assimulate away our very existence. We must realize that when we bring a child into this world his or her existence and happiness takes priority over the couples quest for self centerness. Now I want to share with you life's priorities first be a child of God, second be a great son or daughter, and third be a great father or mother.
Name: Marvy Walker Email:mpwalker@attmail.com Response:
Matriarchal, being single mother or mother as dominant figure, nature of the family certainly should be given some thought. As with most things, I don't feel we can make general statements about whether or not this occurs, or more importantly whether the outcomes have adverse effects. For instance, my mother reared three boys, three girls, and was by far the dominant figure. The outcome has been six extremely productive, and by most standards, successful, proud African Americans.
This issue has caused me to take notice, however, of how I parent my 4 year old son and my 5 year old daughter. This is, I believe, the core issue. Be conscious that there is equal love, discipline and teaching, all centered on producing proud, successful African Americans. The matriarchal nature should not be subdued, however, used to benefit our community, in a conscious way.
Name: Keon A. Carpenter Email:kacarpenter@holy cross.edu Response:
Maybe my understanding of the statement is incorrect, but from some of the response that I have read I think I know where this conversation is going. I do not believe that single women spoil or ruin the unbringing of our African-American youth, in fact I would argue that women are able to show a love and compassion that men cannot. As a product of a single parent family and being the only child, if there was anyone who should have turned out ruined I would be that candidate. However, I believe my mother did an excellent job nourishing my growth and allowing me to discove things on my own.
The sensitivity that I have learned to apply in relationships is something that I just don't think men can teach.
For all of those who are groaning by this point I will say that there needs to be some male prescence in the childs life. It is not mandatory but it does help give the child a sense of balance and takes some of the load off of these overworked women.
Thank you for allowing me to share!
Name: Robert Yearwood Email:rcyearwood@aamc.org Response:
Being a black male raised in New York City, in a household with my grand-mother, mother, and sister, I feel that I'm somewhat qualified to intelligently respond to your question.
I read your question as asking whether I believe that I was as prepared to head a family as my sister was. To that, I'd have to say yes; probably more so. To what then would I attribute the predominance of matriarch headed households in the Afro-American community ? Surely, racism/racists play a part, but I'd have to say that we as Black men and women play an equal part. What I mean is that you can only blame slavery so long. The mind-set that says "THEY won't let me do this, and THEY won't let me do that" must be eliminated.
At some point in time we as Black people must take responsibility for ourselves, our families, and our communities. Only in this way can we provide the necessary decent paying jobs to enable Black men to feel as if they are heads of households. Only in this manner can we "take charge of our neighborhoods".Only after being able to look ourselves in the mirror and feel good about it, can we begin to raise both our sons and daughters to be solid parents, because we as Black people know that "it takes a village to raise a child".
Name: Michael Phillips Email:phillips_mike@lccinc.com Response:
Yes, I believe it to be true that a single female parent gives more attention trying to understand her son's wants and desires. She can not be the role model for him so she spends time allowing excuses for his behavior. What he needs is the female to engage in a tight hand and open communication. It's sad that most cities do not have after school programs that can entertain our youth, such as when I was growing up in Los Angeles. A mother has to reach down and put her son(s), children in activities that will take them from off of the street. If they can't afford it the community should get together with their representitive and demand that they appropriate funds for these type of activities or they will be out of office next term. These are the people who are suppose to represent their constituents. If things are not changing for the better then change the people. Our elected officials need to know that there jobs are term to term.
Name: Anonymous Email: Response:
It is in practice only. Most women want approval from men - it is a natural, basic and fundamental need.
I believe the problem lies with this basic desire being passed on to the children as a negative situation if a man is not present to give approval.
As a single mother - my son and I spent may nites with a 'missing person' at our table. Unfortunately, this was a large part of our atmosphere at home.
Name: Morrow Elem. School Email:morrowel@aol.com Response:
Our students are given a new question each morning concerning famous Black Americans. Fridays question lead us here. The answer to the question was Madame C. J. Walker. Thanks so much for giving us this interesting answer to our question. We look forward to visiting this sight each day this month.
Respectfully,
Mrs. H. Begun
Media Specialist
Morrow Elem. School
N. Lauderdale, FL 33068
Name: MYRA WASHINGTON Email: Response:
In my opinion this statement is true. As a single black parent, I have seen the damage that is caused by women who try to raise boys alone.Instead of raising them they spoil them or ruin them.
Name: Percy Timberlake Email:percijames@aol.com Response:
I do a monthly news letter at our Church In Chicago IL,. I was surfing the net looking for some information on African American History. It was the love of God that I found you News Paper with much information concerning our Afro American Heritage. Our congregation has showed much interest in the information within our newsletter.
I thank you and your staff for making your News Paper available on the net to me and so many others. It's been a long time coming.
Name: Reginald L. Bassa Email:rbassa@inf.net Response:
I agree, we have to take more responsibility for
our actions. Our young men need mentoring by older
black men since there are so few fathers in the
house these days.
Name: Michael Woods Email:seekfind@nitco.com Response:
Yes, I believe this statement is true. In my experience, I have seen many African-American female single parents with male sons (particularly those with one son) call him their "little man". I believe it is just natural that the mother have this type of relationship due to the fact that in most cases regarding males their mother is their "first love".
It is the same way between fathers and daughters particularly when he calls the daughter his "little girl". I believe the dynamics of sexuality (not in any perverse sense) is in operation when it comes to a child and parent of the opposite sex whether it is mother and son or father and daughter. There is nothing wrong with this. It only becomes a problem - particularly the relationship between mother and son - when the female uses the relationship between the son as a substitute for a relationship with an African-American male (who, unfortunately, is usually absent). In the absence of this relationship she tends to dote on the son, and if she has a daughter, the girl tends to receive the most discipline from her. It could be the mother sees herself in the daughter and by her "strict and rigid" discipline seeks to help the girl avoid the same mistakes she has made - particularly when it comes to men.
Another problem that arises if the female is overly affectionate toward the son, is that often he is spoiled by the mother and,unlike like the girl, is not given enough disciplinary guidance. Lacking any self control, the boy will growup with no sense of responsibilty and self reliance. This kind of male turns into the "momma's boy" who is weak and unsure of himself. He ususally has problems establishing relationships with women, and in the worst scenario, turns to criminal activity because of his inability to hold down a regular job. He tends to blame others for his failures, and always seeks the solace and comfort of mother when things go wrong.
I believe this situation can be corrected if the process is recognized by the female and the necessary adjustments in the way the son is raised are made. But until the African-American male takes a more prominent role in the raising of our children, and the larger society stops setting up barriers to keep this from happening (racist employment practices, the proliferation of drugs and alchohol in the African-American community, etc.) it is the African-American female who has to stop over "mothering" our sons.
Name: Duran C. Johnson Email:johnson@www.daugherty.com Response:
I think that we must admit that the matriachal structure has certainly played a part in fostering that notion. The operative phrase is "a part". I am suggesting that others factors have had more of an impact the perpetuation of this "folklore". For example the purposeful way the U.S government forces the Black out of the home under its so-called Welware system.
